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The schedule for the Kennedy Center in Washington shows a lighthearted dual-language production and an improvised Shakespeare troupe. Notably missing from the advertised schedule is this week's FIFA World Cup draw, presumably because it is a exclusively private affair. Officials likely want to avoid any unwanted guests from gaining entry at what promises to be an excessively long, self-aggrandizing ceremony where highly compensated celebrities will undoubtedly echo the old platitude that "soccer brings together the world."

A Celebrity-Filled Line-Up

A glamorous event is scheduled to be emceed by television personality Heidi Klum and diminutive American comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the star power will be gridiron icon Eli Manning on red-carpet details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving reporter. Together, they will preside over a production that will certainly have British football fans of a certain age missing the halcyon, unpretentious days of former managers, FA officials, the old draw system and a trusty velvet bag of wooden, lottery balls.

Set to last nearly three long hours, the event will feature a staggering playlist of speechifying, saccharine highlight reels, approved jokes, celebrity guests, musical turns from artists with either little shame or financial motivations, and then... at last, the actual World Cup draw.

Icons of Sport on Ceremony Duty

Included in those tasked with conducting the draw? NBA giant Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey icon Wayne Gretzky, NFL star Tom Brady and baseball slugger Aaron Judge, all selecting balls under the watchful eye of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Considering the vast, untapped reservoir of personality exhibited by these ageing sporting icons, short of an uniformed snatch-squad storming the ceremony, it's hard to imagine what could possibly go wrong.

In reality, not much, if the insensitive defence of FIFA's well-documented World Cup ticket price-gouging mounted by an overly deferential English yes-man is any sort of gauge. When asked if tickets should be more accessible for non-millionaires, the response was non-committal. "In my view we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are certainly an organization that are conscious of that," was the comment. "However, I think we can look at every sector, every sector, we could have that conversation about things," he added. The implication appeared that premium costs are justified when compared with other luxury goods.

The Main Event

With 42 countries already secured a place for next year's jamboree and another six due to join, there will be a real air of excitement once the opening acts conclude and the main draw gets under way. While fans worldwide wait with bated breath to see which three nations their own country will face in the initial phase, the anticipation pales in comparison to that which comes before the announcement of the winner of FIFA's first-ever peace prize for "people who help bring together people in peace through unwavering commitment and notable actions." Given that the draw is in the US capital and the tournament is primarily in the United States, guesses about the recipient are widespread, even if the hints are there.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was speaking to the chairman today. My connection with him is very strong really. I have a truly open, honest and realistic relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have completely no concerns whatsoever" – comments from a manager whose side on a five-game losing streak, offering a classic remark likely to be revisited if/when a dismissal occur in the future.

Fan Correspondence

• "Regarding the discussion of a possible club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to purchase a lower league club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to local games in the 80s/90s, when the answer was 'Keith', the reply was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an extra official."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what memorable tune will a famous group come up with if a political figure remains on the stage, requiring an encore?"